YREKA— For the third time since the Vortex Wellness Festival was canceled, residents report “unusual thermodynamic activity” on Shasta’s backside after our infamous Weather-Modifying Chemtrail Array™ detected a rogue -16° cold spot where science says it should be a balmy 47°.
“That’s not frost, that’s the exhale,” claims survivalist/podcaster ‘Mountain Mike’ (definitely not his real name, we checked), who lives off-grid near Tennant. “The portal door always swings open when the Reptilian HOA in Dorris forgets to pay their interdimensional dues.”
Eyewitnesses in Callahan report seeing “a glowing rectangle, approximately refrigerator-sized, with what looked like a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign written in Aramaic.” Meanwhile, the Siskiyou County Sheriff’s Department maintains it’s just a “camera malfunction,” though Deputy Dan admits his radar gun started reading speeds in “epochs” instead of mph.
The temperature map (see pg. 7, between the classified ads for emotional support alpacas and the apology from Grenada’s vape shop) shows normal readings across the county: 49° in Etna, 48° in Montague but that -16° anomaly has local TikTok shamans flocking to Pete’s 4×4 Repair & Psychic Readings in Mount Shasta.
As of press time, the portal remains open. Officials recommend avoiding hiking near the treeline unless you enjoy explaining to HR why you aged backward and now speak fluent Mesopotamian. Sasquatch, reached via satellite phone, issued a formal statement: “Tell the damn tourists to stop knocking. Some of us have third shifts at the McCloud Mill.”
The Siskiyou Sentinel will continue monitoring this story until the licorice fumes from the dimensional rift become a choking hazard. Again.
