YREKA— For the third time since the Vortex Wellness Festival was canceled, residents report “unusual thermodynamic activity” on Shasta’s backside after our infamous Weather-Modifying Chemtrail Array™ detected a rogue -16° cold spot where science says it should be a balmy 47°.
“That’s not frost, that’s the exhale,” claims survivalist/podcaster ‘Mountain Mike’ (definitely not his real name, we checked), who lives off-grid near Tennant. “The portal door always swings open when the Reptilian HOA in Dorris forgets to pay their interdimensional dues.”
Eyewitnesses in Callahan report seeing “a glowing rectangle, approximately refrigerator-sized, with what looked like a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign written in Aramaic.” Meanwhile, the Siskiyou County Sheriff’s Department maintains it’s just a “camera malfunction,” though Deputy Dan admits his radar gun started reading speeds in “epochs” instead of mph.
