What am I? My brain tells me I am a boy but my body tells me I am a girl. I’ve known since I was seven that I was a boy. I didn’t ask to be this way. Why can’t I be like other kids? Why can’t I be normal? Society tells me I am a girl. I have learned through painful struggles that the truth of who I am is not what physical gender I am, but what my brain tells me who I am. Society keeps telling me I’m wrong.
I am a human being who just wants to be happy, nothing more and nothing less. My brain is my inner self, reality and truth. I want to bring my brain’s gender identity and my physical gender together.
The Republican controlled state I live in won’t let me forget my physical gender. The politicians made laws that prevent me from joining my human body and my inner identity into a single gender. They want me to stay as my birth gender and continue my mental suffering and pain until I’m 18 years old. Hopefully, I can survive that long? They don’t care that this internal struggle is making me suicidal.
To protect my inner being, I’ve become detached from reality, so I am not trapped in its negativity. This is my world anytime I leave my parent’s house. I only feel safe at home. I only leave our home when I go to school. The few friends I have only know a little about the internal struggles and depression I go through on a daily basis, but they don’t feel my pain.
Why are these Christian politicians making me continue this deadly daily struggle in my brain. Some days I win, other days I just barely hang in there. One of these days, I will probably kill myself to end this painful inner battle? Does Jesus understand who I am? If so, why doesn’t he help me win these internal and external struggles?
All I want is to be happy and enjoy this world that my parent’s keep telling me is out there. At school and elsewhere, people give me weird stares because of the way I dress to hide my breasts. At school, I don’t use the bathrooms. These people don’t know me, so why do they hate me? Why is the only love I see and feel is from my parents? If I survive until I am 18, I will move to California where I will be allowed to begin my medical transition into a male body.
Currently, only 23 states allow transgender youths to undergo age-appropriate gender affirming medical treatments. Twenty states are preventing transgender youths from accessing medically necessary and safe health care that is backed by decades of research and supported by every major medical association representing over 1.3 million US doctors (hrc.org).
I hope I have been able to give you readers some insight into what transgender youths struggle with every day of their lives. I left out the discrimination, physical, personal and social media harassment they suffer through on a daily basis.
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